Natural Born Losers
by Linda J
Summary: One shot wonder. Sabretooth encounters two teen age homicidal maniacs. Rated mature for language and violence.


Disclaimer: You know the routine; I don't own 'em and I won't be making any money on this story either. Oh well…

Rated: Mature for violence language

Universe: Movieverse

Timeline: nonspecific

Summery: Sabretooth encounters two teenage homicidal maniacs on the killing rampage. Mostly written from Sabretooth's point of view, so the language is very, very adult and not exactly intellectual.

Natural Born Losers

By Linda J.

You know me. I'm easy to please; I'm pretty easy to get along with. I don't expect much outta people, really; just leave me the hell alone, and chances are I'll leave you alone. That seems simple enough; but of course, I always run into some dumb-fuck who just don't get it.

Take last week for instance; there I was mindin' my own damn business, gettin' ready ta eat a late night snack at some roadside diner when a couple of lowlifes come struttin' in, lookin' to start some shit. God, I don't know which of 'em stunk worse, the guy who reeked of beer, or the bimbo he had his arm around. That bitch musta found the cheapest bottle of sewer water some Frenchie tried to pass off as perfume and dumped the whole damn thing on her dirty skin. Christ, I felt my sinuses start to clog the moment they stepped inside. But, like I was sayin', I'm a nice guy. I don't start trouble over dumb shit; well, not usually. I honestly had every intention on just sittin' there in my booth, blow my nose, and mind my own shit. sigh I should have known it wouldn't go down like that, it rarely does. Ironically this time it didn't make any difference that I was a mutant, not to those two psychos. Hah…psychos! Now that sure sounds funny comin' from me don't it?

Anyhow, I doubt they even noticed me sittin' there in the back booth, which only shows how amateur the dumb shits were. I could assume that I just blend into my surroundings, but damn, I was only two booths away from the front door.

Did I already mention just how small this joint in the middle of Nowheresville USA was? I've seen bigger shithouses! The place was nothing more than one room with a grease grill stationed directly behind four booths two on each side of the cash register, a room in the back for storage, and a john.

At the time these fuckheads came into the place, there were two old farts sittin' in a booth on the other side of the cash register from me, a cook, a waitress, and some retarded kid pushing a mop around. I dunno, maybe the white trash lovebirds saw the place and thought it would make an easy target.

They started out standing in front of the two old guys' table and harassing them. First, the scrawny, oily haired, son of a bitch said that he heard they was going to buy him and his, a-hem, lady, a couple of steak dinners. Well of course the old man told him to jack off, but he and his bitch just laughed at 'em. Next, the waitress stepped in and told them if they were going to give her customers a hard time they could leave.

Now mind you, I was staying out of the whole damn mess, even when I saw the cunt grab a fork and jab it in the waitress' eye and "scarecrow" reach in his pocket and pull out a gun. The ol' lady howled in pain and ran for the sink to wash out her eye. It's a damn good thing I got a strong stomach, 'cause blood come spurtin' out of her eye socket like she was squeezin' a ketchup packet. Before anyone even had a chance to think, that mother-fucker shot one of the old men in the chest and he flopped over in his seat. For a split second I hoped that maybe, just maybe these two shit bags would just tear out of there and disappear into the night… but, well, let's just say that from there on, things got dramatically worse.

Ya have to believe me, I was really trying to stay out of it. I know how important it is for me to keep a low profile. I hadn't said a word up until then, and frankly it didn't look like such a great idea to strike up a conversation. I swear, I kept my trap shut and waited to see what they would do next. I know everything that happened next musta went down in only a matter of seconds, but it all seemed to run in slow motion as I watched on. I recall the retard that had been mopping the floor just stood there and started to yell at them as the cook turned and ran, but before he could make it to the back room he was shot in the back of the head, splattering his brains all over the place. As I recall, the other old guy tried to duck under the table but then the cunt pulled out her gun and shot him as well. Next thing I know, Miss Tramp starts prancin' over to my table waving her toy at me. She leaned in closer to me and with a shit-eating grin on her face she glanced out the window and remarked, "Like my bike?"

I didn't need to look outside to understand this reject from the Jerry Springer Show was actually trying to claim MY Harley! I might have laughed at the dumb bitch if it hadn't been for the serious sinus headache I now had 'cause of her. I just glared at her and I took another bite of my burger.

"There's just one problem," she had the balls to add. "You got my keys." Now, while all this is happenin', I notice Mister Maniac grabs the retard by the arm.

"Leave him alone!" I heard the waitress plea. "He has Asperger's! Syndrome" The twerp started chucklin' at her and pointed his gun at the kid's head.

"Ass-burgers? Well you know where burgers go, don't you kid?" and then he started to shove the retard toward the grill. "Now pull your pants down and jump up there; let's see you cook those burgers!"

Even with my nose stopped up I could still smell the terror that kid was feelin'. When that son of a bitch put the nozzle to his temple, the retard started to cry as he surrendered and pulled down his jeans. He started to timidly prop himself onto the grill fearing the obvious pain he would experience when suddenly that fucker barked at him and pushed him hard onto the hot metal. Instantly, the kid began to whimper and cry and squirm around, too scared to get off while the waitress cried and begged his tormentor to let him go. Now under normal conditions, the smell of searin' flesh is about the loveliest thing I can think of, but these two idiots had already sorely pissed me off. I didn't even waste my time to give those fuckers a warnin' as they both started to laugh like jackals; I just jumped up outta my seat and rammed my hand into that whore's gut. I twisted my fingers around, tearing into every organ I could feel, making sure she felt every bit of that beau-ti-ful agony.

Her screamin' got 'lover boy's' attention and the fool turned toward me and started to unload his gun. I felt a bullet rip into the side of my throat a couple more burned into my chest; I was a little light headed for a moment or two and damn if those things don't sting but it's not like a few metal pellets are gonna do any long term damage to me. I fell to my knees and I allowed myself to slump over waiting to heal. The dumb fuck went to comfort his dying bitch, giving the retard the chance to finally get off the grill. He was only inches away from me holding her bloody body close to his when he lifted up his gun to shoot me one more time in the head. When I raised my head, he saw I was in fact quite well. "What the fuck are you?" he asked me in shock.

"The last thing you're sorry ass is ever gonna see." I told him, and in a flash I was on him rippin' out his throat with my teeth. I got up and gave him a swift kick to the gut just for the hell of it, and I spit his blood out on the dead bitch's face. I sat back down and gulped my burger and fires down in a couple of bites; hell I wasn't gonna let this little situation stop me from what I came in here for, but I knew I wouldn't have time to enjoy the meal like I normally would. I got up and threw a twenty on the table outta habit and left the joint.

"So that's your story." Magneto sighed in frustration. "Well you always had a knack for finding trouble."

"But I didn't find THIS trouble, it found me!" Sabretooth insisted angrily only to have the man of magnetism groan and turned to walk away.

"You believe me don't you Wart?" Sabretooth turned hoping that at least Toad would understand.

"Sure I do." The green mutant rendered a sarcastic smirk. "Everybody knows you just a sweet heart of guy." Sabretooth growled softly at his comrade for a moment or so, waiting for him to apologize. "Oh relax mate, no one's mad at you for getting into the news, AGAIN; even if we may have to relocate because of it."

"Speak for yourself!" Pyro grumbled. "I finally got my room looking the way I want it."

"C'mon blokes," Toad reached for his pocket and pulled out his car keys. "Let's go out for a couple of beers and forget all about this." Sabe shrugged his shoulders and started to head out the door. "Yeah, why not."

"Are you sure it's a smart idea to let Sabretooth come along?" Pyro asked skeptically once the felinoid was outside.

"Sure it is. Can you think of a better way to get some excitement going tonight? Trust me," Toad grinned mischievously. "By the end of tonight Sabretooth will be on the rampage again!" THE END


End file.
